6 signs of how to understand that a guy or a girl is an abuser in a relationship

In this article, we will tell you how to determine that your partner is using you for their own mercenary or other purposes.
Everything seems to be fine, he lifts you up to heaven, and everything is fine in sex. You feel that there is finally someone who truly loved, appreciated, accepted you into his heart … and you miss the first signals that say: you are in danger. What does the abuser “catch” us for? And how to calculate it before it’s too late?

1. EMOTIONAL SWING

6 signs of how to understand that a guy or a girl is an abuser in a relationship

The psychological abuser puts the victim in an emotional swing. A wounded soul in one way or another manifests the energy of pain, fear, which attracts an abusive predator. And the predator at the first stages of the relationship gives the wounded soul care, tenderness, love – everything that the unloved child lacked so much. And the victim (most often a woman) perceives this game at face value.

Listen to one of the first bells. He is an angel in the flesh, and everything is fine with you. He surrounds you with care, respect, tenderness, but at the same time he says nasty things about the former and in general about the people around him. You can also talk badly about your mother. It’s a matter of time before you find yourself on this black list.

The romantic period ends. Soon the wolf will shed the sheep’s skin. Gentle and caring becomes a cold, cynical boor. The victim is looking for reasons for cooling, rejection in himself. Starts uninterrupted round-the-clock work “concrete mixer” in the head.

The victim forgets about himself. Recall that one of the psychological characteristics is the external locus of control. The woman begins to scan only his condition: what did she do wrong, why did he behave so badly towards her?

Yesterday there were flowers and stars, and today they are sending… In an endless stream of consciousness (what did I do wrong?), the children’s scenario “to earn the love of a rejecting mother” is actualized: “I will try … I will do everything … I will deserve … I will return his love.”

It’s like a psychosis, an obsession. In such an emotional imbalance, it is difficult to objectively assess what is happening. Being at the pole of childish charm, it is difficult to imagine that your desperate attempts to return “love” give the abuser sadistic pleasure. It can be a cold calculation – to plunge you into a black abyss of despair and dislike.

This is his game, his story, and never your shortcomings.

The social myth “behind every successful man is a loving woman” often caters to such co-dependent relationships. The victim gets bogged down under the burden of childhood pain, social programs and myths, in the desire to receive love that she did not know in childhood.

And life goes by very quickly. You can get out of co-dependent relationships, retire to turn into a chrysalis, and then take off like a butterfly. But the victim endures and indulges himself with an illusion, addicted to the hormonal hook of adrenaline and endorphin.

2. BREAKING THE BORDERS

6 signs of how to understand that a guy or a girl is an abuser in a relationship

The second psychological characteristic of an abuser is boundary violation. Remember how in the song – “You burst into my life unexpectedly, changed my reality”? In the usual sense, violation of boundaries occurs only with a minus sign. But our boundaries can also be broken by excessive positive emotions.

Expressing admiration, showing all sorts of signs of attention, showing care, “causing help”, the abuser puts us in an awkward position. We can experience a variety of emotions, from annoyance to gratitude. It doesn’t matter what emotion it is. But you are hooked and start thinking, “why do I need all this”, “maybe I am special”, “maybe this is love”.

Even if you feel annoyed because you feel obliged because of the help imposed, you will not push him away next time.

The abuser has crept too close to the wounded child of your soul. You bought for three kopecks.

He pushes your limits, offering help where it is not needed, which puts you in an awkward position. He can clearly hint to you that he likes you and that some serious feelings are possible on his part – and then the abyss.

And when he disappears, having promised something before, you begin to freeze, vibrate and think: where is he? Maybe he has such a tender soul, and I unwittingly frightened him? Maybe I was too cold? Or did she answer him wrong? Or maybe you should have gone straight to bed with him? And you start waiting for it. This is a ghosting scenario.

3. CONTROL

6 signs of how to understand that a guy or a girl is an abuser in a relationship

The third psychological feature is control. At first, he begins to control the joint pastime. Relationships should be cut according to his pattern.

Because of the fear of losing love, location, sex, you agree to first watch only those films that he prefers. Gradually, his preferences and tastes spread to other areas of life.

You didn’t even notice how you forgot about yourself, dissolving in it without a trace. Your boundaries are blurred. You refuse your favorite foods, entertainment, preferring to follow his taste and desires in everything, the locus of control is tailored to his mood.

Do you know what will be next? Work, friends, hobbies. All social chains closed on him. You can’t live without him the further the relationship will develop according to this scenario, the greater the dosage of the drug.

4. Jealousy

6 signs of how to understand that a guy or a girl is an abuser in a relationship

Next comes jealousy. Jealousy in a couple is acceptable, often it is perceived as one of the indicators of love. But when it is baseless jealousy for everything that goes beyond communication with him, this is also a gross violation of boundaries.

5. EGO-CENTRICITY

6 signs of how to understand that a guy or a girl is an abuser in a relationship

He speaks only about himself and only from the positive side, while the rest of the world is painted black. Again, it is only a matter of time before you are also placed on the black spectrum.

A derivative component of egocentrism is projective identification. He sees his blackness in others, especially in those close to him. He is always right, everyone around is to blame. Pay attention to this. It’s only a matter of time before you become guilty.

6. DOUBLE STANDARDS

6 signs of how to understand that a guy or a girl is an abuser in a relationship

The next characteristic of the psychological abuser is double standards. What is allowed to him is by no means allowed to you. The basis of such a principle can be statements: “You are just a woman”, “I earn more” and the like.

HOW TO CHECK IT?

Of course, it is impossible to draw final conclusions on the basis of one sign. It is necessary to proceed not only from observations, a logical analysis of actions, but also from the whole gamut of personal experiences. Pay attention to the bells until they become a bell that rings for you.

When reflection and internal locus of control are not sufficiently developed, one can resort to provocation. It can be both a verbal provocation and an act.

For example, you might deliberately discount something very important to you and see how he reacts. If he agrees with you, keep your ears on top of your head. You can try to refuse to act solely according to his scenario and watch his reaction.

The list of diagnostic provocations is limited only by your imagination.

SUMMING UP

The main signs of psychological abuse:

  • Double coding information: “press to heart, send to hell.”
  • Boundary violation. He breaks into your life on a white horse, conquers, crowns, and then throws him off his pedestal.
  • You take the blame on yourself, see the reason for rejection and depreciation solely in yourself, not allowing the thought that this is his usual scenario. A program of endless self-improvement is launched for you, serving him as a consumer.
  • You are captured by the social myth “next to you is the man you deserve.”

You don’t have to see yourself as a self-improvement project for a man. Choose yourself for yourself!

You should not pupate, because as a caterpillar you are not suitable for yourself or a man. The caterpillar dies in a chrysalis in order to take off and spread its wings, to live like a butterfly the full height and depth of its destiny, and not in order to fulfill the hysterical whims of a notorious man.

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